Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
