Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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