Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
