There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
