If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
There's always time for handjobs
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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