you would pick up someone in the library
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize