Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
