His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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