Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
