you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
