ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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