i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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