Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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