I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
