At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
