I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My hand turned me down
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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