I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
where does the pee come out of this thing
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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