no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
