you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
