Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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