Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
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