if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
wow bdsm is so cute
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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