you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
