Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
