Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
