Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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