that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Im part way to drunk.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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