1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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