either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
