be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
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