Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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