I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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