so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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