Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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