I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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