did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize