drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i think im in europe. pls send help
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