im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
