I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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