he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
