Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I want her autograph on my taint
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
