Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
