I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
