My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
