this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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