Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
