It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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