i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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