I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
