I hate all girls vehemently.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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