my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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