I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
