When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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