I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
