mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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