the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize