Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
