Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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