my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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