two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
