remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
17 year olds will be the death of me.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
