I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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